a synopsis for a comic film
(freely adapted from Ben Jonson’s Volpone)
Summer in Dundee, capital of the state of Waa Waa, where it is always the ‘80s.
An icon of the city is RENNIE FOX, the disgraced corporate cow- cum play-boy now supposed at death’s door. FoCorp is in the hands of the receivers but Fox still manages to do business from his bedside. Unmarried with no kids, billions worth of offshore assets, bulk property in other names he has a famously unwritten will. Competing prospective inheritors are queuing up to his riverside palazzo.
Corpselike, Fox thrives on the ingratiating tributes presented to him via OZZIE ‘the MOZ’ MOZART, king of conmen. Also helping him keep his end up are NANNA, a female dwarf accountant, BENDI, a black trannie personal trainer and CAZZA, an ex-Vatican counter-tenor and killer cook. The Moz privately assures each well-wishing gold-digger he/she is the heir apparent, especially FARQUAR, a rapacious, geriatric businessman.
Fox has the hots for RED, Farquar’s wife. Disguised as a New Age aromatherapist, he attempts to seduce her but is beaten off by SECURITY. The Moz is dispatched to urge Farquar that a final, brief remission could be secured for his employer through the biblical therapy of a juicy young woman. If Farquar supplies his wife for the purpose, his name is on the will. Farquar supplies.
Meanwhile, SIR PEREGRINE POLL, the English psephologist and conspiracy theorist flies into Dundee at the invitation of DOW DIDDLY, the Premier. His good lady DOLLY turns up at the party the Moz throws to facilitate the therapeutic rape. Mistaking a secret chamber for the lady’s room, Dolly springs Fox plying Red with hashish and goat weed. The Moz disengages her with a false report of her husband taken off to the island of Quokkadu to dally with a lap dancer.
Red’s ravishing is terminally interrupted by BON CROWE, a good young man, who falls in good old-fashioned love at first sight of her en deshabille. Bon does not know he has been disinherited by his senile father MAL the media magnate, in favour of Fox. The Moz calls the COPS who arrest the victim and her rescuer.
The media are full of the scandal: Bon, the born again footballer, Red, the charity queen and anti-drug campaigner charged with attempt murder in lurid circumstances. The Moz with the aid of JELLBELLY QC, stitch up a case that Bon, abetted by Red, had attempted to murder the dying Fox.
On Quokkadu Sir Peregrine is sniffing out conspiracy and business opportunity. He meets up with BUCK PACKER, a stoned and lonely planeteer. Sir P. claims he is in a
position to sell part of the Pilbara to the Indons. He offers Buck a piece of the action. Dolly waltzes in mistaking Buck for a cross-dressed lap dancer. He is actually an ASIO operative and busts Sir P, who makes his escape disguised as a turtle. Unhappily he is caught by Nanna, Bendi and Cazza and served as a soup to an appreciative Fox.
The case comes to court. Bon’s father and Red’s husband appear as witnesses for the prosecution to curry favour with Fox.
Fox is wheeled in: the alleged rape is clearly an impossibility. The jury convicts.
Fox is jubilant and drinking to excess. Addicted to swindling, he wants more, more, more. To crank up the schadenfreude and dash the hopes of the expectant inheritors to the max, the Moz persuades Fox to make him the sole beneficiary and then let out that he, Fox, is dead.
The hopefuls, Farquar, Mal Crowe, and Jellbelly QC, rock up to hear the will. Fox and the Moz aredisguised as members of the Fraud Squad. The will is read: Aspirants get nothing. The Moz gets all. He now out-foxes the Fox. As the new master of the house he has his “dead” employer and his indecent trio of carers thrown into the street.
Red and Bon are back in court for sentencing. Fuming at himself for losing control of the game, Fox turns up in his Fraud Squad persona. He discreetly lets Jellbelly know he is still alive and that the lawyer is still the heir He instructs Jellbelly to uncover the framing of the innocents.
The Moz is brought to court. Before giving evidence against him, Fox makes him an offer to go shares in the estate and back into partnership. Together they can beat the world, no one can do it like them, world best practice, scammers supreme etc. But the Moz is happy with his lot and denounces Fox as a loony impersonating a Fraud Squad officer.
Fox leaps on the bench, strips off his uniform and reveals all. The virtuous Bon and Red are released. Fox and the Moz are taken in custody. Together again their eyes grow moist with mutual admiration. Lawyers gather like ravens. Fox winks at the judge and the judge winks back.
© Tim Robertson 2003.